Before, During and After.

I am getting a definite sense of before and after as I read the news and the accounts of those who have shared their experiences.  I think that feeling the distinction so solidly is what will propel us forward towards creating a new normal.  I think that simply picking up where we left off, as if the world had been on a three-week holiday, leaves the door open for this kind of crisis to happen again.

Greed and that need to constantly go one step further is without thought to consequence or larger cost is what has brought us to this point.  Disease origins notwithstanding, avarice and pecuniary drive have led us to the point where we can not make do with any less. And as the carpet gets pulled from beneath us the damage done is not only measured in human casualty.

In my before, and as recent as two months ago, I was struggling with the need to earn a living and the need for something that fulfilled me. I had achieved moderate success in what I had chosen, but had reached that point between, grow, stagnate or stop.  I chose to stop.  I had ideas what I would do next, I had visions of the empire I was going to build.

I tried a few things that didn’t bear fruit, each time costing me money and time.  With each failure I felt a little less worthy.  With each attempt the desire to make it work was less than the time before. I was slowly sinking away into my own head and what I thought gave me value in the eyes of others.

I have often said that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and I imagine that as I grew older it was replaced with me wanting to know what my purpose in life is, what’s it all for.  And in darker moments, what’s the point?

I have reached low points in who I am and how I feel.  My usually sunny outlook all but gone.  But earlier in the year the thought of just going to bed and not waking up at all became increasingly appealing.  So much so, that I went to bed earlier just so I didn’t miss it. When things didn’t work before, I had the intuition to stop doing them and walk away, I had reached a point where I felt the same about my life.

I know I am loved.  I am cared for beyond what I could ever expect.  I imagine that trying to find one’s purpose lies within yourself and in expecting it to present itself on demand is expecting too much.

One day after wrestling with myself for what felt like an eternity, I told a friend what I was going through.  It just came out in the middle of conversation, just like that.  As soon as the words left my mouth, I was overcome with guilt. Guilt at dumping on them and guilt for feeling the way I did.  I suspect that the guilt I felt all was what kept me from exploring my feelings all along.  Gratefully, my friend understood what I needed just then and just let me speak. I didn’t want them to do anything. My burden suddenly felt too heavy and slipped. 

Often, we don’t want advice. And people who care for you are well meaning and happy to give it out. We just want someone to listen.  Sadly, conversations don’t work that way.

So, there is a before and an after, and right now we are living through our during.  Whatever the situation, however severe the crisis we are experiencing it is often in the during that the mind is clearest.

Within a week we will be at the end of our lockdown period. Whether a cure or vaccine will be found remains to be seen, what will happen when the world rushes out of their front gates on that morning remains to be seen. 

During this time, I have learned to sew a little, I have tried to keep up with exercise and I have given focus to myself.  I have a new appreciation for my life, and I understand that my purpose in life is to live.  To live unapologetically, and without expectation.  I can take up the work I did before, on my terms, or I can start something new.  Whatever it is wherever I do it, I need to focus on me.

Talking gives perspective and makes things easier to understand. And this is why I have started this blog.  It is my way of talking and my way towards understanding.