What Can I Be When I Am Big?

I am usually good when it comes to things I have committed to. It takes toothache and someone else cancelling to keep me from doing my bit once I have pledged.  This leads me to believe that maybe I have bitten off too much, or have I just jumped in without much thought to what is required.

Because walking and jogging has been mooted and my driveway requires twenty lengths to make up a single kilometer, I have sworn allegiance to the stern woman who drives my exercise app.  Second day in and I have pulled a neck muscle doing what I like to call ear-ups; pulling oneself up by the ears into a sitting position as there are no core muscles to speak of. So now I have a sore neck and no inclination to exercise, but the desire to emerge from this lockdown looking good still exists.  Some rest and a different approach might help.

My second issue is not as easily solved.  The situation requires that we manage our money and save what we can for the uncertain future.  The situation also requires that I use the time I have productively.  I loudly announced that I might try an online course.  There are loads of free short courses I can take, I am not concerned about accreditation, I just want to learn something.  But what?

I still don’t know what I want to be when I am big, and I have been many things. From a waiter and manager to salesperson in an adult store and the person the bank calls for assistance. I have baked cakes, sold porn and given advice on accounts and television sets. I have made food and sold it on the side of the road, and I have written copy for websites.  Granted I did some for longer than others, but they all came to an end.  Either because nothing was required of me or because too much was required, more than I was willing to commit to at any rate.

Of course, one would think that financial reward would be a large motivator in all this. Alas, for me it is not. When I made the most money I was also at my unhappiest and vice versa. Except for selling smut, there was no money or joy.  A few interesting conversations, but no joy.

The common thread here seems to be that I have focused on people and their satisfaction in all my jobs.  So maybe I can take direction from this and find a course that will help me to deliver to others as well as myself. Mindful living, purposeful action, and the like are concepts I am becoming more and more acquainted with, and I like them.  If you have any suggestions for an online course that I might be interested in, please leave me a comment.  But only if you are not sensitive or precious about the subject.

Thoughts, Ideas and Wishes

Today is the day.  I won’t be surprised if nobody stops by to read my diary or leave a message. This is a short entry. 

So many of us have opinions and concerns about how the situation is being handled, and our concerns which go beyond the crisis we need to keep safety of ourselves and of others at the forefront of our minds.  You can rebuild a business, however difficult, you cannot however resurrect the dead.

Falling into routines as we are isolated is human and it brings a semblance of normalcy. Human beings are adaptable, and we will get through this.

Remember:

·         Talk about what you are feeling, it helps you and others understand your behavior

·         Check in with those you love as often as you can

·         Set yourself a task or a target every day. It passes time and gives you focus.  Today I am washing all the dog beds and blankets and disinfecting the floor in the lounge and passage.

·         Jumping jacks get the blood flowing and burn calories

·         Keep doing the nice things for yourself. Brush your hair and even a dab of lipstick

·         Keep weekdays as weekdays and weekends as weekends.

·         It might be the end of the world as you know it, but it is not the end of the world

·         Tell your loved ones you love them

·         With so much less to do we could start our new normal with an obesity situation or we could pull a Bette Midler in Ruthless People and grow some abs and a tight butt. (In fact, you should put it on your to do list)

·         Lastly, as you go into this, your prayers are needed, regardless of who you pray to.

Going into this lockdown is what makes this invisible threat so much more real for us.

To my family and friends. I love you. I never say it, but I do, and I would be lost without you, so no brave ideas or unthought out missions.

To those that had to postpone trips, something to look forward to,

To those who can’t be with loved ones, gratitude for technology

To those who are just plain scared, find courage in routine

If you are alone, join a chat group

Find humor where you can, as a nation we are so good at it. It keeps us grounded.

I know that as we settle in my posts will become lighter. This is what is in my mind and heart at the moment and this is my diary.

Take care

Prepping, Remaining Calm and Aiming Upward

I can with a much happier heart close the front gate of my house and stay indoors for a few weeks. I have ensured that my mom has everything she needs, from medication to a reasonably full fridge and grocery cupboard.  I have stocked up on I what normally would, given that it is end of the month and everything is pretty much finished anyway.

I am having mixed feelings about the ease with which I managed to pack a trolley full of essentials, pay for them and get back home in a little more than an hour. I am so glad I didn't have to stand in eternal queues to get in to the shop and then to be rung up. The quicker the better is always key when shopping, but I had honestly thought there would have been quite a few more people about, all wanting to do what I was doing. Happily, the shelves were all stocked as usual except for anything that resembles a disinfectant. Bars of soap and soap powder aplenty, no liquid soap, no disinfectants or sanitisers, but if I am in my own home for 3 weeks I don't see the need for a pocket size of any of these and I do still have various soaps on hand.

Why are people not shopping? Is it because they already have?  Have they decided to wait until the last minute like they do at Christmas? Or do they simply not care; About their own health or anyone elses and will shop willy-nilly since the grocery stores are to remain open.

This is not about stockpiling, it is about being prepared.  It is about knowing that at the very least, you need food.  Take-away culture will be hard to maintain during this time, as will your daily pop to the shop.  Even if you could, why would you.

I like to think that I have done all I can to keep myself and all my loved ones safe.  I am still going to the bookshop as a last errand, as sanity is also important.

My trip to the bookshop aside, I have turned my whiteboard into a timetable for the period of isolation. I have given myself something to do for every single day bar weekends,  these I have highlighted because then I will really do nothing except relax and have a few glasses of wine.

My daily exercise walks have had to come to halt.  Which is such a pity, because I am 8 kilograms lighter than I was six weeks ago. I  have now substituted my walks for an app with the voice of a stern woman issuing instructions and little videos of how to a specific excercise.

Abs in 30 days it is called. Ha-ha, I don't see that happening but I am finally getting it right to plank for more than 5 seconds, and the correct way too. So here's hoping.

My roster includes things I would normally do anyway, such as laundry on a Monday and Dallas on a Tuesday, but if I don't put them in there I may slip into holiday mode and end up living in a pigsty.

Other than the mundane, I have allocated time for the things I never have time to do, like create a vegetable patch.  And when the all the physical and mundane start to wear on me I might just do an online course.

When all this is over, I want to carry on from here. Day 1 of freedom is not going to be my new beginning.  Day 1 of lockdown is where my new life starts.  I am not going to come out on the other side still the same or worse off.

This is an unfortunate event, but it is not a curse and it is not a holiday, it is an opportunity.

This Part Of My Journey

On Monday evening 23 March 2020 the South African president announced that the country would be going into lockdown from Thursday 26 March at midnight for 21 days until 16 April 2020. Some may find this extreme, we need to take cognisance of the extreme nature of the crisis.

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While it may feel like a trip back to a dark time for so many, and at the same time, like drawing back the curtain of time to give us just the smallest inkling of what our grandparents may have felt during war time. When they would gather around a radio to hear the president speak; to find out if which direction their lives would take. Whether then or whether now, I think I can safely say there is a tinge of trepidation in all we do.

I have been feeling incredible fear. Not for me, for my loved ones, who although they live within walking distance from me, I won’t be able to see them.  I know I don’t pop round to my mom daily, I do see her once or twice a week, we go the shops together and we spend time chatting via WhatsApp every day. So, we are always up to speed with each other’s life. Suddenly I won’t be able to have her round for dinner or pop down for a gossip, and that is what upsets me. Suddenly the freedoms we take for granted are curtailed and I know I won’t be there should she need me.

It may seem like I am digging for drama, but these are the things that have gone through my mind repeatedly; keeping me awake at night. It is these small things that create anxiety and fear. It is not knowing whether the fridge is properly stocked while aware that soon I won’t be able to help her get it stocked.

The same is for all the little routines, rituals and habits we unconsciously create. I have a standing breakfast date for a Tuesday with a good friend, we see each other in between, but this is our down time, our jol. Now, I won’t see her for a month.  I have a friend who has been isolated through circumstance for a few months now, but could receive visitors, now she can’t. I hope someone has been around to stock her fridge.  Family who live abroad and had to cancel their visit. It has been ages since we have seen them.  My dogs who get cabin fever when they skip one visit to the park.

All these fears aside, my nearest and dearest are all still alive and well and though my heart breaks at not seeing them and I am worried for their wellbeing, I will gladly give up freedom for a month just to still have them all with me when we see the other side of this.

South Africa is by no means a dull place and, despite the past and of being on edge for so much of the time I believe in my heart that we will be a stronger people.  We have a chance to start fresh, we have an opportunity to re-evaluate how we approach life, and this is what I plan to do with my time.

This is the start of my diary. This is where I will keep note of my feelings and thoughts. It’s where I will share them with you and hope that you share your feelings with me. This is not a place for politics; I am sure there is a blog for that.  I am using this blog to help me cope, and I am sharing my journey with you.

As much as I have opinions and ideas there is an important exercise I am participating in. Part of this journey is to learn how to blog effectively. Thank you for being my test audience.