The Light at the End of the Tunnel and My New Normal

Its been said that if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are facing the wrong way.  And that describes exactly how it felt last night when we were informed that lockdown would be extended for another two weeks.

Economy not being a factor, the blow would be equally hard to take.  People, and by that, I mean me, have survived remarkably well over the initial two weeks of the lockdown. I started a day early; Shopping had been done, books had been bought and we weren’t going anywhere, and there is the possibility that I may have been thinking along the lines of sooner started sooner finished. That much acclaimed light seems very bright right now.

Keeping sane has been an easier task than I had anticipated. Sticking to my roster and keeping my mind fed and watered have certainly helped.  But there is that itch we all have, the one that can only be scratched by human interaction.  Not in the biblical sense, but rather in seeing a different face, be it of a loved one or the cashier at the garage.  Being denied the freedom to seek out these faces is where the strain on my sanity is coming from.  Popping to the shops for tonight’s dinner and waving at the woman in the dairy, chatting to Barbra as she rings up my purchase; these are my anchors, these are my normal.

I haven’t been out shopping for anything, so going around behind a facemask is completely foreign to me.  I am sure the day will come when I need to go out again, when I must face society’s new normal.  With time it will also become mine. But I wonder, how is Barbra going to see me smile?  More to the point, how will anyone know that I am sticking my tongue out at them.  Small things I know, but important in keeping things on an even keel.

Most people have done their part and remained home.  In more than a few instances it was probably a difficult adjustment.  But then it became habit.  We rediscovered our families, partners, significant others.  Working from home has actually proven to be successful. Something many traffic stressed individuals would love to continue. 

It is interesting to note though, that people can work from home a lot more than expected.  There are water tanks and means to fill them for those in areas that up to now had to make to with virtually nothing.  There is money to help the hungry.  Why has it taken a crisis of these proportions to get things done? Why do we always wait for the horse to bolt before we close the barn door?

Maybe when we emerge, and this is something we can all work towards in the time we have, cognisance of others, awareness of circumstances and concertedly working to change the course of lives. If nothing else, this virus has been the great equalizer.  I have read that patterns of infection and death are slowly starting to emerge.  But this is all after the fact.  I don’t think there is any segment of any community that has not been affected.

This is not about politics; this is about setting politics aside for the greater good.  Let the new normal be the foundation of a strong nation, of people finally understanding that we are all equal.  I did promise that I would not turn my blog into a forum for political ranting and I intend to keep it so.  But as we face a decidedly uncertain future there is no way in which we can ignore the past.  

Before, During and After.

I am getting a definite sense of before and after as I read the news and the accounts of those who have shared their experiences.  I think that feeling the distinction so solidly is what will propel us forward towards creating a new normal.  I think that simply picking up where we left off, as if the world had been on a three-week holiday, leaves the door open for this kind of crisis to happen again.

Greed and that need to constantly go one step further is without thought to consequence or larger cost is what has brought us to this point.  Disease origins notwithstanding, avarice and pecuniary drive have led us to the point where we can not make do with any less. And as the carpet gets pulled from beneath us the damage done is not only measured in human casualty.

In my before, and as recent as two months ago, I was struggling with the need to earn a living and the need for something that fulfilled me. I had achieved moderate success in what I had chosen, but had reached that point between, grow, stagnate or stop.  I chose to stop.  I had ideas what I would do next, I had visions of the empire I was going to build.

I tried a few things that didn’t bear fruit, each time costing me money and time.  With each failure I felt a little less worthy.  With each attempt the desire to make it work was less than the time before. I was slowly sinking away into my own head and what I thought gave me value in the eyes of others.

I have often said that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and I imagine that as I grew older it was replaced with me wanting to know what my purpose in life is, what’s it all for.  And in darker moments, what’s the point?

I have reached low points in who I am and how I feel.  My usually sunny outlook all but gone.  But earlier in the year the thought of just going to bed and not waking up at all became increasingly appealing.  So much so, that I went to bed earlier just so I didn’t miss it. When things didn’t work before, I had the intuition to stop doing them and walk away, I had reached a point where I felt the same about my life.

I know I am loved.  I am cared for beyond what I could ever expect.  I imagine that trying to find one’s purpose lies within yourself and in expecting it to present itself on demand is expecting too much.

One day after wrestling with myself for what felt like an eternity, I told a friend what I was going through.  It just came out in the middle of conversation, just like that.  As soon as the words left my mouth, I was overcome with guilt. Guilt at dumping on them and guilt for feeling the way I did.  I suspect that the guilt I felt all was what kept me from exploring my feelings all along.  Gratefully, my friend understood what I needed just then and just let me speak. I didn’t want them to do anything. My burden suddenly felt too heavy and slipped. 

Often, we don’t want advice. And people who care for you are well meaning and happy to give it out. We just want someone to listen.  Sadly, conversations don’t work that way.

So, there is a before and an after, and right now we are living through our during.  Whatever the situation, however severe the crisis we are experiencing it is often in the during that the mind is clearest.

Within a week we will be at the end of our lockdown period. Whether a cure or vaccine will be found remains to be seen, what will happen when the world rushes out of their front gates on that morning remains to be seen. 

During this time, I have learned to sew a little, I have tried to keep up with exercise and I have given focus to myself.  I have a new appreciation for my life, and I understand that my purpose in life is to live.  To live unapologetically, and without expectation.  I can take up the work I did before, on my terms, or I can start something new.  Whatever it is wherever I do it, I need to focus on me.

Talking gives perspective and makes things easier to understand. And this is why I have started this blog.  It is my way of talking and my way towards understanding.

Eclectic Music Taste and My Evolution

The rain isn't doing much for the mood, but it might be what we need to encourage people to stay home. Besides, that is what Saturdays and Sundays are for; staying home and doing relaxing things like watching tv and having friends around.  The shopping was done over a week ago, but dinner is for residents only. 

I don't see them every day but I miss seeing my friends at all. I think it is because my freedom to do so is gone. Maybe a Skype dinner party is worth thinking about.

When the tv is not on, for news in the morning and general viewing at night,  I generally have one device or another playing music. Sometime on headphones just for me, sometimes on speakers for me and the neighbors.

So, in keeping with my Saturday vibe here are some tunes. I have deplorable taste in movies and I accept, even cherish this, but I think I have an eclectic taste in music which is a nod to open mindedness and the ability to evolve and be inclusive.

When this song made it's first appearance I was probably a year or so out of school and working in Johannesburg and living with some friends in Hillbrow while we completed a project.  South Africa was on the cusp of democracy, apartheid was dead, there was a sense of newness and wellbeing for the country and for me. I think I was under the impression that my life had finally started.

It hadn't, but I was having fun and experiencing freedom without having to answer to anyone.  For the first time my no meant no and my yes meant wholeheartedly.  Hillbrow in those days was also reaching the end of it's heyday.  The liberal, cosmopolitan 1970's were a thing of the past.  I expect that the area garnered it's bad reputation because it was one of the few places where, even in those times, few questioned your race orientation or reason.  It was where liberal meant freedom, not irresponsibility.  Robin S was a huge hit in the clubs we visited after work.  All decked out in green parachute fabric tracksuits, courtesy of our employer.

That no-one questioned what I was doing quickly had me pressing the issue of my identity. Suffice it to say that the messier my hair, the better, shirts I hand-stitched from household items, dish towels, short-pants and knee high Doc Martens before anyone else in town was doing it. Embellished, and I use this term loosely, t-shirts and vintage paraphernalia from shops in alleyways were the order of the day.

I don't like to think of it as a phase. In fact I don't like to think of any part of my journey as a phase.  All it serves is to discredit what ultimately lead you to where you are today. My bohemian period lasted a bit longer than many. I managed to become part of the regular world again and do what was expected, although my heart is still very bohemian. In all the good ways;  I don't eat meat and I bath regularly.

Before I latched on to the Byrds, and Marianne Faithfull, Janis and co, I had an Edie Brickell moment.  I didn't like Edie and co at first, there was something I couldn't relate to. It may have been a maturity I didn't possess.  It made the music difficult to relate to.

I think starting out, fresh from school my world was rather small.  I hadn't been anywhere, a few seaside holidays before the age of six don't count. I certainly wasn't well read and only had the vocabulary, the education and the outlook provided by the government of the day.  I would often find myself in conversations, not saying anything, just marveling at how mature my peers seemed and furiously taking mental notes to go and find out what some of the words they were using meant.  I wasn't really a quiet person I was just very busy playing catch-up.

It is one of the great pleasures in life to be able to expand one's vocabulary and also be afforded opportunity to make use of words you had looked up ages ago and just never found an opening for.  Kind of like a one-liner just begging to be thrown, timing be damned.

Sinead O'Connor over the last 20 to 30 years has been a study in self-discovery and metamorphosis.  She has lived her journey, difficult as it sometimes was to hilt.  From wild Irish angel with a very angry outlook, through rastafarianism, self implosion, isolation, and now finally she seems happy and at peace. The devout and the hardliners mat not approve; her peace has been found in Islam.

Many artists, regardless of chosen medium, are affected by their experiences.  In the next months and years as the world starts to recover from the predicament we find ourselves in there will be a preponderance of work depicting the situation and surviving it, the situation and not surviving it, our uncertain future. I hope with all my heart that we will be around to see it. 

And just as art will evolve, so undoubtedly will we.  Hopefully to being more open, understanding and loving. Open to that and those to whom we never spared a thought.  Understanding of each other and more importantly of ourselves. And loving, because without love there is no point.

Trolling social media in a home made mask

I think the deluge of bad news, death and sickness finally got me down.  And we closed our gate on Wednesday afternoon last week so it's been a while. Yesterday morning I woke up without my usual bounce and Stepford “Good Morning!”  I actually think it may have been the longest I have stayed in my bed in a lot of years. I gave myself a break from the news and just had a Me day.  Reading, watching b-grade schlock on tv and cooking.  And the rain gave me the perfect excuse to be as sedentary as I liked.

I had a great night’s sleep and would happily face the world.  But, at the moment the world consists of my house, a drenched garden and a driveway.  More than many have I’m sure, but I so want to be able to go for a walk or to the shops; freely.  And so, I begin my search for hope.

Paying attention to the news and doing my own reading I have come across a possible way to stem the tide. It is being tested abroad and appears promising.  I have however not read anything to this effect in the local news and neither have I seen anything on our government’s social media pages.

I have started a one-man campaign, some might call it trolling, of getting answers to the questions I have and of changing the mindset of people who are lost and confused. 

Every day I am posting the same, “Has SA explored convalescent plasma therapy? And where do we stand?  As a means of shedding hope and encouraging staying at home please share recovery stats. Please don’t ignore me”

Convalescent plasma therapy is the practice of extracting antibodies from the blood of an individual who has overcome the infection and infusing this plasma into a severely ill person to help bolster their recovery.  Trials in the US are in early stages but the 5 people on which it was tried have recovered.

Granted the world is floundering in unchartered territory, and everyone is learning.  Learn from others and build on their example. I have been impressed with how South Africa has handled the situation thus far (yesterday’s news not withstanding). But I am equally frustrated by the slacking of regulations, and the ability of certain factions to hold government hostage.

I am also frustrated at what I feel is a one-pronged approach.  Testing and the rate at which it needs to be done is necessary to break the chain of infection, I do however feel that no attention is being given to finding a cure or vaccine. It is almost as if we were told to wash our hands and stay indoors while it blows over. I am sure I have missed something; I truly hope I have, and if anyone can point me in the right direction, I would appreciate it. It would go a long way to seeing some light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel.

But for all my ruminating and feeling miserable, I had a nice chat to my mom yesterday and she is in good spirits. Bored silly, but well. I have also never shared or received so many jokes in such a short period of time, and all on a single topic.

We have stocked the fridge and grocery cupboards quite handsomely and should survive for a short while past 21 days, but we are already starting to run out of fresh things.  Soon we will be craving salad.

Today was flashback Friday on the exercise front. I moved the carpet aside and found an exercise video on YouTube.  Remember the 5 minute insert they used to have every morning before the news.  Body Beat it was called, and the video I found was similar except for the absence of legwarmers and better music. It was so much fun I did it twice.

But, it’s back to current reality and a catch-up on the chores I didn’t do on my day off.  We have decided that in keeping with the trend my sewing lessons will not be on how to make a pillowcase but rather on making a few masks which, although not medical quality will be ours and they can be washed after every wear.

Stay safe, stay sane, stay informed.

Brutal Honesty, Ego's and a Common Goal

I had a routine of watching the news every morning, starting at on channel and giving each one it’s due and then moving on to the next. It is a question of timing that that started me doing it in this way, then it became about seeing who had a story that another one didn’t. Then it became about how the same story was interpreted.  I am by no means a guru on what’s going on and I am inclined to pursue the stories which are of interest to me. But, staying informed is important on so many levels.

I have noticed that in South Africa, especially with television news the story remains the same and if there are any nuances trying to sway me in any direction I just haven’t picked up on them. I am very much aware of print news and the different slants each publication takes.  But a newspaper seldom gets bought.

Since the Coronavirus outbreak my news watching habits have changed somewhat and I have to confess that I am now fishing for the stories I want to hear. Where I had a morning news session and one at lunch time, I now wait for the day to fully arrive and then I watch the news. I started doing this because the footage I was seeing was just too heartbreaking, and the dire situation was fast becoming all consuming. It’s just that there are other things happening in the world while we are looking away. I have previously mentioned looking for other news and how difficult it is.

If there is a breakthrough or an update I receive a notification on my phone, so I never miss the crucial moments as our new history plays itself out.

I think that despite the hardships our country experiences as a matter of course, the obstacles created by legacy, near and distant, the self-made hurdles of corruption and the general decay of systems and standards, our leaders are performing and delivering incredibly well.

Granted, we are still at the beginning of the pandemic in our country and the chickens of greed and mismanagement are coming home to roost.  Swift and targeted action has kept us on good footing.   We have not been lied to about the severity of the situation.  Brutal honesty is key in getting us through this nightmare.  Politicising the situation or going the race route have not become the order of the day, which is heartening in the face of a non-discriminatory killer.

Following British and American news and how they are dealing with the situation is informative and times frustrating. It helps to compare where we are regarding treatments, cures and controls. It seems that there were delays, and grandstanding from a president who is all about the president.  Politics and grandstanding have no place in an arena where all lives are at stake. I think he finally realises this. 

But,

This morning, after he has been called out by all and sundry for the ineffective initial response to a world crisis, the President of the USA has chosen to shift focus and is talking about a possible military threat from an enemy. Is this true? Is it more obfuscation from a scolded child?  Can they afford to ignore it.

Yes, there is a worldwide shortage of masks, there are nowhere near enough ventilators or properly equipped hospitals but there are ways to overcome these obstacles.  When this is over we can address the reasons behind things that went wrong and set the country on a path that is trod with integrity. But, for now, if the warring parties in South Africa can put their differences and egos aside and continue to attack the problem with the efforts that they have, we are in with a chance.

My post today is all very serious, but it is what is in my head. And to be perfectly honest I am not in the highest of spirits.  I can see that what our government is doing is working, they are proactive and decisive. But, I wonder if 21 days is enough?

Today I am doing all I can to keep positive and to keep the faith. I am by no means disheartend, just taking a bit of strain.

Surviving and Dressing Up...or Not

 I am a survivor. A survivor in the sense that when the opportunity to flourish disappears I can still maintain where I am at. A survivor because I will jump into the sewer if I need to or into the crocodiles mouth if it means getting my watch back...

I don't do well in the boring, the mundane and humdrum may well be humbug.
So when things fall down as they so recently have, I do freak out, I cry, I express my fear and then I look within to find a way to get through it. Granted, hustling for dinner or odd jobbing for accommodation are a far cry from where we find ourselves. I know that if we can survive this, we can survive the hard slog to normality. I am game. I am heartened everyday by the journey and faith of others.

In my first post I mentioned how glad I was for technology. It has kept me in the loop and in touch, it has also kept me inspired. And anyone with access to the internet or a cell phone will be able to attest to that. People with clever ideas to keep fit, entertain children, people with incredible imaginations entertaining themselves and the sharing to entertain the rest of the world. Lets face it, there are some very funny people out there.

Yesterday was laundry day, which in itself is no fun, and that it was written on my whiteboard for all the world to see, ensured that skipping it was out. Naturally, by writing out a roster I had pledged to do a task daily, just so I didn’t become complacent.  So, I did it.  We haven’t been anywhere so there were no work clothes and I didn't have to work very hard. If it were warmer, we could go naked and next week have zero laundry.

I also decided on something that I can learn and use in the future. I am learning to sew. Yesterday was all theory; unfortunately, my hands-on teacher still has to work, but I watched a few tutorials and I can now, theoretically, thread a sewing machine.

Only one snag! There isn’t much fabric lying about. An old tablecloth, some leftovers from recovering dining room chairs and some old jeans. Enough for practice, possibly enough to make an outfit to wear as we leave our homes for the first time on 17 April. A vision in gingham and felt.

Today I have to mow the lawn, I can't believe the speed at which it grows.  But first I will feed the birds. They come back every morning and if I sit still long enough I am sure to see some familiar faces.

We face a long and frightening road. This virus has brought all our shortcomings as a nation to the fore and it will take many a miracle to set things right. It can happen, but we need to be willing to do what it takes and set our own selfish needs aside.

Stay safe
Stay sane

While We Were Otherwise Occupied

Staring into space out of my bedroom window this morning it occurred to me how many flocks of birds I had seen lately.  And as I went outside for my morning lungful, I realized that the only sound I could hear were birds. More than I ever hear when I go outside this early. There is absolutely no traffic noise and none of the usual sirens, but I like to think that the birdsong I am hearing is because there are more of them around. Suburbs and gardens are less frightening for now.

I also went outside last night and stood in the garden. It wasn’t late at all, barely seven o’ clock but the silence was deafening. The sky is also so much clearer, and I have heard speak of blue skies peeping through in places where smoggy grey is the standard. For all the misery and tough times Venice has faced recently the canals are staring to run clean, and from the end of my driveway the Joburg skyline is as clear and definite as it was thirty years ago.

My mind has been thoroughly occupied by this virus. I haven’t been paying attention to much else besides lockdown, handwashing, symptoms and the toll the we are paying the world over, spending much of my time checking everyone is ok, safe and in good spirits. So pre-occupied I nearly forgot that in spite of this the world turns, people in high places are making decisions and processes continue unabated.

While we were looking away.

·         Vladimir Putin passed a law which allows him to be elected as president once again, and again. (Shades of Mugabe)

·         Vera Lynn turned 103. She was one of the best-known wartime entertainers and supporters of troops during the war years.

·         Stem cell research has allowed for a second person to be cured of HIV; my medical knowledge is lacking but this is the gist of it.

·         South Africa finally landed a ‘Junk’ status, kicking our economy while it is down.

Trying to find news that is of importance has proven difficult because of the prevalence and the focus on Coronavirus/Covid-19 articles.  But the world hasn’t stopped, and we all have things that are important to us, whatever arena they play out in.

If you have been checking the news occasionally you will probably have seen how the human spirit is persevering, with concerts on balconies, singing policeman on patrol, food packages for the elderly, endless silly boredom avoidance videos. News that, although linked to the virus, gives us hope.

It is a beautiful day today; I am going to feed the birds in my garden.  The food is going quicker than normal. Are there more birds, are they also stress eating or am I projecting and being too generous with my portions?

All kitchen cupboards will be unpacked and rearranged before the day is out. Also, I am having my first glass of wine since I shut my gate on Wednesday afternoon.

Stay strong.  Keep the faith.