n Laaste Bydrae

Dis nie aldag dat ek iets in Afrikaans skryf nie, maar hierdie is die laaste bydrae tot my openbare dagboek en ek wil dit deel in die taal van my hart.

Dis n moelike 5 weke wat ons agter die rug het, en ek sou amper teleurgestel wees as die 5 weke wat voorle enigsins makliker is.
Soos baie het ek in die afgelope weke geleentheid gehad om bietjie in my siel te kuier en my herinneringe weer aan te raak. En dalk daardeur bietjie nader gekom aan die persoon wat ek graag will wees.

Aan liefde in my lewe is daar beslis geen behoefte nie, dis die verstaan van mekaar en van ander wat wel lee plekkies los. Dis in hierdie oomblike wat ek terug kyk en vrede maak met die feit dat ek uniek is en nie anders nie.

Ek het die ingrendeling begin met meer vrees as wat ek sin van kon maak. Dis n siekte wat mense doodmaak sonder diskriminasie, ek is in gevaar en die vir wie ek lief is is in gevaar, en my vrees is verdiep deur die onsekerheid of ek hulle ooit weer sou sien. Gelukkig is die verhoudings wat ek in my lewe aanknoop nie een stukkend nie, daar kort net inspanning van albei kante. En as gevolg kon ek fokus op deurdruk en nie berou nie.

Die tyd wat ek afgeslote spandeer het, het wel n nuwe normaal begin word. Dit was na n ruk gemaklik om by die huis te oefen en die honde op n uitstappie na die voorhek te neem.

Almal met wie ek tussendeur kommunikeer het iets gebak. Ek het dit baie gedoen, en elke keur was my ouma saam in die kombuis. Ek mis hulle albei verskriklik baie.

Dis vandag n koue grys dag en soos ek huis skoonmaak luister ek musiek. Dit is die draad wat deur al my lewens oomblikke en kennise loop. My lewe het n klankbaan en hy speel aaneen en altyd op die regte plek. So, kan ek altyd n einde sien in dit wat gebeur, en al is ek vandag dalk n bietjie sentimenteel sien ek ook die einde in dit wat nou met ons almal gebeur.

Dankbaar vir die kans om aan te pas voor ek moet asem skep en voorentoe druk. Dankbaar dat al my vatplekke en ankers nog daar is.

Heading outward, looking back

With the end of lockdown approaching there is a new sense of urgency. Needing to adapt to how things have to be from now on, maintaining the good behavior and promises we made while isolated from the outside world, these are just the tip of the iceberg.

We rather gleefully congratulated ourselves on the fact that we did not spend the usual amount of money on take aways and restaurants that we usually do. It is a considerable amount. We did however make up for it when we stocked up for the initial lock down. But now we are heading to being able to go to the shops as we need to; I hope this is not a habit we cultivate again. Shopping for the month rather definitely costs less than random shopping. I have gotten used to not seeing Barbra at the tills every day, and fresh vegetables last longer on the shelf than they do in my head.

I am sure we will have the odd pizza delivered. We have been jonesing for a slice with extra garlic and avo. But let's not start the habit.

I am avoiding a visit to the scale. I don't think I have gained all the weight back that I have lost, what with my new driveway exercise routine and the discipline with which snack time is approached. Whichever direction my waistline has gone will reveal itself this morning. We have to pop to the pharmacy, so I will be putting on my jeans for the first time in a month. For the most part I have been in slippers or training shoes so I am ok in that department, another member of the household has done away with both trousers and shoes for the duration. Shades of Agador Spartacus in Birdcage.

Since appearances are the subject; I haven't shaved since I took off my jeans. It is the first time I have ever had a full beard. Bone white for the most part. And the eyebrows would make Ernest Borgnine jealous.

I am not fixing any of this. There are still 8 days left and anything could change. I am not shaving in vain.

Though there were far too many idle and wasted hours to be had, I can with pride say I have done everything on my list. I even added to it when the extension happened.

My one regret, is that I never learnt a language. I did learn a lot of other stuff but that is for another day.

One thing I have managed to do, quite late in the day, but I managed to get out of my own head. I was driving myself crazy. In the beginning I was worrying about everyone I know and love and whether I will see them again, then I became hyper aware of how I was feeling and breathing deeply and congratulating myself for getting through the day without coughing.
A good thing here is that I developed a habit of taking stock in the morning and starting my day with gratitude.

Too much time spent grieving over those I didn't know, worrying about the fate of the world and getting my blood pressure up by means of social media.

In spite of the terrible things that happened and tears shed for the innocents, I light my candle for them and at the same time a candle for gratitude, we are managing as a people to come through it. There will always be people who are unhappy with whatever decisions are made, detractors. I think our President has led us remarkably, he has weathered an amount of stress one can only guess at, but he has weathered it and led us with dignity.

This is my diary, these are my reflections. Who knows what happens next.

What I Have Been Watching

I have been making a list of all the Documentaries and Biographies/Biographical movies that I have been watching. I started watching these because I really did not want to come out of lockdown having wasted all this time on mindless tv. Not that I have been avoiding the vapid and the pointless, I just don’t want too much of it. Also, I can feed my brain a few facts or understand someone’s motivation or their justification. And as we are experiencing a worldwide crisis it might be useful to draw on the life experience of another.

I have made use of Netflix, Apple Tv, Amazon Prime, YouTube and trawled the internet for all the documentaries and bios.

Love, Scott

Scott is a Canadian musician and one night after performing he was assaulted outside the nightclub for being gay. Scott was left paralysed. This bio is about his journey towards acceptance of himself and his new life and those who accompany him, his mother and sister. While I felt terrible for what had happened to him, I did not really take much out of the experience other than he is loved and supported.

Stuffed

Now here was a documentary that I thought I was going to make me sad and have me foot stomping angry. From the get-go, the eccentric characters made it clear that what they did was not about death, but about life. From the burlesque looking ladies who painstakingly worked on recreating the animal to almost lifelike splendor, to the Dutch artists who preferred to use their animals as art exhibitions rather than clinical dioramas at a natural history museum. How they come by their subjects remains a mystery, and if seen as a sensitive gesture, this film is worth watching.

Hitler’s Steel Beast

While he may need no introduction, this is a fascinating look at the train the Hitler used as a travelling headquarters, almost like Airforce One on rails, only grander and for its time far better equipped. Did I mention that this steel beast was called America? I watched this purely because my history knowledge is lacking, and I appreciate that I could supplement it with something interesting.

Suffragette

The kind of movie you would probably find on the art circuit. It at no point claims to be based entirely on fact, however the central characters and the movement are true to history. I watched this because, although I was aware of the suffragette movement, I had no idea of when it started and the lengths each side would go to achieve their goal. I also learnt that strength of spirit rises above any abuse one is forced to endure.

There’s Something in the Water

I mentioned watching this in an earlier post. It is a story that has been told repeatedly, only with different characters and locations. The thought that one life is more valuable than another is how those that are guilty of stealing land, poisoning the earth and water, and causing death and suffering amongst indigenous people, justify their actions to themselves and the world. I found it a fitting documentary, considering our current situation and my belief that we owe the earth an apology. An apology that is validated through a change in behavior.

Bombshell – Hedy Lamar

As beautiful as she was intelligent, this actress of Austrian descent, born in 1914, found herself in movies from an early age. Not at all highbrow stuff and in instances quite risqué for the time. She was instrumental in the design of a secure method of communication, the basics of which were later used in the development of blue-tooth technology and gps functionality. She was however only recognized for her contribution shortly before her death in 2000. A beautiful woman, an interesting tale.

Skid Row Marathon

On his daily run through Skid Row in Los Angeles a judge is joined by people from a local mission and some who have passed through his court. This tale is about their struggle to sort their lives out, the direction and commitment they gain from training and ultimately joining the judge in a marathon abroad. Loved this doccie and its message.

The Triumph – Medjugorje

I am not Catholic and do not subscribe to religious ritual, but I was fascinated by the utter faith with which pilgrims complete their pilgrimage. Medjugorje is a town in what was communist Yugoslavia. I think it now forms part of Croatia; I will have to check. It is also the town where, on 25 June 1981, Mary, the Mother of God appeared to six children and continues to appear to them on this day every year. The focus is on a young American man who was sent to Medjugorje by his parents in the hope that he would sort out his life, and on one of the six children who is escorted up the hill to a cross where Mary appears to her.  Communist rule saw these children persecuted and there is little mention of them. An interesting journey into faith.

Franca: Creation and Chaos

This one was recommended by a friend, and I was a bit sceptical about a fashion bio.  But then I would not be true to myself or my mission if I didn't at least take a peak.  I watched it all in one go! The editor of Italian Vogue until her death from lung cancer in 2016. I took an instant liking to this woman who spends the duration being interviewed by her son. Her pragmatic outlook on life is at once unexpected and refreshing.

Infamous

Another ‘movie’ based on actual events. I have not read any of his books, but it is evident that Truman Capote was more than just the camp persona he displayed. Witty and insightful, this is his journey to both an understanding of the facts and his own vulnerability. This movie was released about a year after Capote starring Philip Seymour-Hoffman, in both movies the catalyst was his research for his novel In Cold Blood.

This is such a long post, so it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t save my list till last. Although somewhat erratic, my selection is not random, I have chosen topics that may interest me, people who may trigger thoughts and at all times kept me interested. Am I going to remember everything? No, but the changes in thinking and the new ideas have settled in.

Trying again to make sense of it all

Today would have been the last day of lockdown.  And I must admit; I am quite relieved that it isn't.  Not for the obvious reasons that there are still too many infections occurring, because people refused to adhere to a simple directive. Not because of the absolute selfishness of those having parties and roaming the streets regardless of some very real threats. And not because I am lucky enough to have stocked up on everything but wine. And not because I am still perfecting the facemask I will be obliged to wear when lockdown ends, and necessity puts me out of my home.

But because the house I live in and struggled to fall in love with when I moved here has become my safe haven, my cocoon from the world. I have a warm bed in which to sleep, a hot shower and a garden to sit in, undisturbed for as long as I like.  I have also discovered the joy of grocery shopping on-line.  The internet has kept me fed, exercised, entertained, and informed.

Because the internet has kept me informed, the desire to return to the world has dwindled to almost nothing, even though I miss seeing my friends and family.

When the gates open and we can roam freely again, the way in which we do things will have changed. Hugging for one thing will be out.  Kissing; definitely a thing of the past. Shaking hands too. I hope my loved ones used some of their lockdown time to learn a few kitchen tricks, we will have to have small get togethers at each other's homes.  Restaurant meals will remain but a pleasant memory, so too a few rounds at the pub.  And naturally mask wearing, and perpetual handwashing will be even more prevalent than they currently are.

That it took such a cataclysmic event for people to change is indicative of just how self-absorbed the human race has become.  By now we have all heard a theory or a belief that this is the earth saying, "Stop! I have had enough! " It is pretty much what I believe. 

This is how we are being forced to take cognizance of those around us. It is an opportunity to start living more consciously.

As much as I embrace change, I wake up during the night with the nagging feeling that this is taking it too far, and I am not ready. With all the chores and lessons I have set myself for the next two weeks I have to find time to get my head around these changes.

But while I get my head around the changes I also need to get my head around how badly mankind has let itself down.  Ignoring the signs. Too quick to label anyone with a warning as a troublemaker.

Of course, it is not all misery and destruction. It is an opportunity, a second chance.  People will be more conscious of their actions as one wrong move could kill them, but as this behaviour becomes second nature so too will the good. 

Today, it feels as if I am rambling. I probably am, but I am trying to undo the knots in the thread of my thoughts. I desperately want to reconcile my thoughts with my feelings. I also want to plan for the future, but I will need to understand what it is first.

Feeding my Face Vs Feeding My Mind

I have been doing my absolute best to stick to my exercise routine during lockdown, doing all kinds of fancy walking, parade marching and scenes from West Side Story up and down my driveway. I was self-conscious at first, it is very much like doing it in public, but then it dawned on me that the moment I came back inside the neighbours I had been entertaining would be out doing their own version of keeping fit.  Any shyness I may have thought I had is now properly something of the past.

I wish I could say I have been equally attentive to my eating habits. Not that I haven’t tried but fry-ups for breakfast have been more frequent and a cookie with 11 o’clock tea has become the norm, as has tv snacks. I used to only eat crisps on a Saturday afternoon with a glass or seven of wine and any form of fried breakfast was reserved for Saturday or Sunday mornings. Not hat I have completely clattered off the wagon and spend the day feeding my face. Thankfully, there are limits as to how much I can have at a time, or else there won’t be any for the rest of lockdown. So, while it seems I have been behaving badly at the buffet I am doing quite well under the circumstances.

Speaking of wine; Drinking by myself is really no fun at all, but things being what they are I have indulged myself a little. I bought six bottles of wine, intending them to last the duration. They have. A few glasses on a Saturday evening and a couple on Sunday afternoon, it’s all good. Extension of lockdown has changed things rather dramatically; I have one bottle of wine left and nearly three weeks to go. If it weren’t for sewing lessons, chores, and mental activities I would join in the clamouring for the bottle stores to re-open.

So instead of crying at my lot I have found something else to do. For the remaining days of lockdown, starting last week sometime, I am watching a biography or documentary every day. Granted, if I wanted to know something, I could always look it up, but viewing it is much more fun. Besides, if you put me in front of a stack of encyclopaedia, are they still around? Or in front of a computer and told me to look up something and take in what I can, I wouldn’t know where to begin. The glut of information we have access to nowadays makes it difficult to home in on something. Picking a movie about someone or a documentary is always easier. There is a little synopsis to see if you might be interested and there is usually a picture of some sort.

I will do a list of all the things I have watched; the information is in my head somewhere, but please, no questions. My selection has been rather eclectic

-          A docu/bio about a singer who was beaten and left paralysed and how he has coped

-          A documentary about taxidermy. Sounds macabre but it is quite enlightening. And it is not gross or upsetting

-          A documentary about a train that Hitler used as his headquarters

-          A movie about the Suffragette movement, focused on a few characters but loaded with stuff I never knew

-          An expose about the horrific pollution of land and water belonging to Red Indian tribes and the lies and scheming of the perpetrators

-          And my favourite: A documentary/biography of Hedy Lamar, and actress in the 1920s and 30s and an unrecognised inventor of a means of communication that was used in the war that could not be hijacked or listened in to. This also contributed greatly to blue tooth development and gps equipment.

So, when I am not entertaining the neighbours or shovelling it into my mouth I am at least giving my brain a bit of a work-out. Now if only I could remember to shave.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel and My New Normal

Its been said that if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are facing the wrong way.  And that describes exactly how it felt last night when we were informed that lockdown would be extended for another two weeks.

Economy not being a factor, the blow would be equally hard to take.  People, and by that, I mean me, have survived remarkably well over the initial two weeks of the lockdown. I started a day early; Shopping had been done, books had been bought and we weren’t going anywhere, and there is the possibility that I may have been thinking along the lines of sooner started sooner finished. That much acclaimed light seems very bright right now.

Keeping sane has been an easier task than I had anticipated. Sticking to my roster and keeping my mind fed and watered have certainly helped.  But there is that itch we all have, the one that can only be scratched by human interaction.  Not in the biblical sense, but rather in seeing a different face, be it of a loved one or the cashier at the garage.  Being denied the freedom to seek out these faces is where the strain on my sanity is coming from.  Popping to the shops for tonight’s dinner and waving at the woman in the dairy, chatting to Barbra as she rings up my purchase; these are my anchors, these are my normal.

I haven’t been out shopping for anything, so going around behind a facemask is completely foreign to me.  I am sure the day will come when I need to go out again, when I must face society’s new normal.  With time it will also become mine. But I wonder, how is Barbra going to see me smile?  More to the point, how will anyone know that I am sticking my tongue out at them.  Small things I know, but important in keeping things on an even keel.

Most people have done their part and remained home.  In more than a few instances it was probably a difficult adjustment.  But then it became habit.  We rediscovered our families, partners, significant others.  Working from home has actually proven to be successful. Something many traffic stressed individuals would love to continue. 

It is interesting to note though, that people can work from home a lot more than expected.  There are water tanks and means to fill them for those in areas that up to now had to make to with virtually nothing.  There is money to help the hungry.  Why has it taken a crisis of these proportions to get things done? Why do we always wait for the horse to bolt before we close the barn door?

Maybe when we emerge, and this is something we can all work towards in the time we have, cognisance of others, awareness of circumstances and concertedly working to change the course of lives. If nothing else, this virus has been the great equalizer.  I have read that patterns of infection and death are slowly starting to emerge.  But this is all after the fact.  I don’t think there is any segment of any community that has not been affected.

This is not about politics; this is about setting politics aside for the greater good.  Let the new normal be the foundation of a strong nation, of people finally understanding that we are all equal.  I did promise that I would not turn my blog into a forum for political ranting and I intend to keep it so.  But as we face a decidedly uncertain future there is no way in which we can ignore the past.  

Before, During and After.

I am getting a definite sense of before and after as I read the news and the accounts of those who have shared their experiences.  I think that feeling the distinction so solidly is what will propel us forward towards creating a new normal.  I think that simply picking up where we left off, as if the world had been on a three-week holiday, leaves the door open for this kind of crisis to happen again.

Greed and that need to constantly go one step further is without thought to consequence or larger cost is what has brought us to this point.  Disease origins notwithstanding, avarice and pecuniary drive have led us to the point where we can not make do with any less. And as the carpet gets pulled from beneath us the damage done is not only measured in human casualty.

In my before, and as recent as two months ago, I was struggling with the need to earn a living and the need for something that fulfilled me. I had achieved moderate success in what I had chosen, but had reached that point between, grow, stagnate or stop.  I chose to stop.  I had ideas what I would do next, I had visions of the empire I was going to build.

I tried a few things that didn’t bear fruit, each time costing me money and time.  With each failure I felt a little less worthy.  With each attempt the desire to make it work was less than the time before. I was slowly sinking away into my own head and what I thought gave me value in the eyes of others.

I have often said that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and I imagine that as I grew older it was replaced with me wanting to know what my purpose in life is, what’s it all for.  And in darker moments, what’s the point?

I have reached low points in who I am and how I feel.  My usually sunny outlook all but gone.  But earlier in the year the thought of just going to bed and not waking up at all became increasingly appealing.  So much so, that I went to bed earlier just so I didn’t miss it. When things didn’t work before, I had the intuition to stop doing them and walk away, I had reached a point where I felt the same about my life.

I know I am loved.  I am cared for beyond what I could ever expect.  I imagine that trying to find one’s purpose lies within yourself and in expecting it to present itself on demand is expecting too much.

One day after wrestling with myself for what felt like an eternity, I told a friend what I was going through.  It just came out in the middle of conversation, just like that.  As soon as the words left my mouth, I was overcome with guilt. Guilt at dumping on them and guilt for feeling the way I did.  I suspect that the guilt I felt all was what kept me from exploring my feelings all along.  Gratefully, my friend understood what I needed just then and just let me speak. I didn’t want them to do anything. My burden suddenly felt too heavy and slipped. 

Often, we don’t want advice. And people who care for you are well meaning and happy to give it out. We just want someone to listen.  Sadly, conversations don’t work that way.

So, there is a before and an after, and right now we are living through our during.  Whatever the situation, however severe the crisis we are experiencing it is often in the during that the mind is clearest.

Within a week we will be at the end of our lockdown period. Whether a cure or vaccine will be found remains to be seen, what will happen when the world rushes out of their front gates on that morning remains to be seen. 

During this time, I have learned to sew a little, I have tried to keep up with exercise and I have given focus to myself.  I have a new appreciation for my life, and I understand that my purpose in life is to live.  To live unapologetically, and without expectation.  I can take up the work I did before, on my terms, or I can start something new.  Whatever it is wherever I do it, I need to focus on me.

Talking gives perspective and makes things easier to understand. And this is why I have started this blog.  It is my way of talking and my way towards understanding.