n Laaste Bydrae

Dis nie aldag dat ek iets in Afrikaans skryf nie, maar hierdie is die laaste bydrae tot my openbare dagboek en ek wil dit deel in die taal van my hart.

Dis n moelike 5 weke wat ons agter die rug het, en ek sou amper teleurgestel wees as die 5 weke wat voorle enigsins makliker is.
Soos baie het ek in die afgelope weke geleentheid gehad om bietjie in my siel te kuier en my herinneringe weer aan te raak. En dalk daardeur bietjie nader gekom aan die persoon wat ek graag will wees.

Aan liefde in my lewe is daar beslis geen behoefte nie, dis die verstaan van mekaar en van ander wat wel lee plekkies los. Dis in hierdie oomblike wat ek terug kyk en vrede maak met die feit dat ek uniek is en nie anders nie.

Ek het die ingrendeling begin met meer vrees as wat ek sin van kon maak. Dis n siekte wat mense doodmaak sonder diskriminasie, ek is in gevaar en die vir wie ek lief is is in gevaar, en my vrees is verdiep deur die onsekerheid of ek hulle ooit weer sou sien. Gelukkig is die verhoudings wat ek in my lewe aanknoop nie een stukkend nie, daar kort net inspanning van albei kante. En as gevolg kon ek fokus op deurdruk en nie berou nie.

Die tyd wat ek afgeslote spandeer het, het wel n nuwe normaal begin word. Dit was na n ruk gemaklik om by die huis te oefen en die honde op n uitstappie na die voorhek te neem.

Almal met wie ek tussendeur kommunikeer het iets gebak. Ek het dit baie gedoen, en elke keur was my ouma saam in die kombuis. Ek mis hulle albei verskriklik baie.

Dis vandag n koue grys dag en soos ek huis skoonmaak luister ek musiek. Dit is die draad wat deur al my lewens oomblikke en kennise loop. My lewe het n klankbaan en hy speel aaneen en altyd op die regte plek. So, kan ek altyd n einde sien in dit wat gebeur, en al is ek vandag dalk n bietjie sentimenteel sien ek ook die einde in dit wat nou met ons almal gebeur.

Dankbaar vir die kans om aan te pas voor ek moet asem skep en voorentoe druk. Dankbaar dat al my vatplekke en ankers nog daar is.

Heading outward, looking back

With the end of lockdown approaching there is a new sense of urgency. Needing to adapt to how things have to be from now on, maintaining the good behavior and promises we made while isolated from the outside world, these are just the tip of the iceberg.

We rather gleefully congratulated ourselves on the fact that we did not spend the usual amount of money on take aways and restaurants that we usually do. It is a considerable amount. We did however make up for it when we stocked up for the initial lock down. But now we are heading to being able to go to the shops as we need to; I hope this is not a habit we cultivate again. Shopping for the month rather definitely costs less than random shopping. I have gotten used to not seeing Barbra at the tills every day, and fresh vegetables last longer on the shelf than they do in my head.

I am sure we will have the odd pizza delivered. We have been jonesing for a slice with extra garlic and avo. But let's not start the habit.

I am avoiding a visit to the scale. I don't think I have gained all the weight back that I have lost, what with my new driveway exercise routine and the discipline with which snack time is approached. Whichever direction my waistline has gone will reveal itself this morning. We have to pop to the pharmacy, so I will be putting on my jeans for the first time in a month. For the most part I have been in slippers or training shoes so I am ok in that department, another member of the household has done away with both trousers and shoes for the duration. Shades of Agador Spartacus in Birdcage.

Since appearances are the subject; I haven't shaved since I took off my jeans. It is the first time I have ever had a full beard. Bone white for the most part. And the eyebrows would make Ernest Borgnine jealous.

I am not fixing any of this. There are still 8 days left and anything could change. I am not shaving in vain.

Though there were far too many idle and wasted hours to be had, I can with pride say I have done everything on my list. I even added to it when the extension happened.

My one regret, is that I never learnt a language. I did learn a lot of other stuff but that is for another day.

One thing I have managed to do, quite late in the day, but I managed to get out of my own head. I was driving myself crazy. In the beginning I was worrying about everyone I know and love and whether I will see them again, then I became hyper aware of how I was feeling and breathing deeply and congratulating myself for getting through the day without coughing.
A good thing here is that I developed a habit of taking stock in the morning and starting my day with gratitude.

Too much time spent grieving over those I didn't know, worrying about the fate of the world and getting my blood pressure up by means of social media.

In spite of the terrible things that happened and tears shed for the innocents, I light my candle for them and at the same time a candle for gratitude, we are managing as a people to come through it. There will always be people who are unhappy with whatever decisions are made, detractors. I think our President has led us remarkably, he has weathered an amount of stress one can only guess at, but he has weathered it and led us with dignity.

This is my diary, these are my reflections. Who knows what happens next.

What I Have Been Watching

I have been making a list of all the Documentaries and Biographies/Biographical movies that I have been watching. I started watching these because I really did not want to come out of lockdown having wasted all this time on mindless tv. Not that I have been avoiding the vapid and the pointless, I just don’t want too much of it. Also, I can feed my brain a few facts or understand someone’s motivation or their justification. And as we are experiencing a worldwide crisis it might be useful to draw on the life experience of another.

I have made use of Netflix, Apple Tv, Amazon Prime, YouTube and trawled the internet for all the documentaries and bios.

Love, Scott

Scott is a Canadian musician and one night after performing he was assaulted outside the nightclub for being gay. Scott was left paralysed. This bio is about his journey towards acceptance of himself and his new life and those who accompany him, his mother and sister. While I felt terrible for what had happened to him, I did not really take much out of the experience other than he is loved and supported.

Stuffed

Now here was a documentary that I thought I was going to make me sad and have me foot stomping angry. From the get-go, the eccentric characters made it clear that what they did was not about death, but about life. From the burlesque looking ladies who painstakingly worked on recreating the animal to almost lifelike splendor, to the Dutch artists who preferred to use their animals as art exhibitions rather than clinical dioramas at a natural history museum. How they come by their subjects remains a mystery, and if seen as a sensitive gesture, this film is worth watching.

Hitler’s Steel Beast

While he may need no introduction, this is a fascinating look at the train the Hitler used as a travelling headquarters, almost like Airforce One on rails, only grander and for its time far better equipped. Did I mention that this steel beast was called America? I watched this purely because my history knowledge is lacking, and I appreciate that I could supplement it with something interesting.

Suffragette

The kind of movie you would probably find on the art circuit. It at no point claims to be based entirely on fact, however the central characters and the movement are true to history. I watched this because, although I was aware of the suffragette movement, I had no idea of when it started and the lengths each side would go to achieve their goal. I also learnt that strength of spirit rises above any abuse one is forced to endure.

There’s Something in the Water

I mentioned watching this in an earlier post. It is a story that has been told repeatedly, only with different characters and locations. The thought that one life is more valuable than another is how those that are guilty of stealing land, poisoning the earth and water, and causing death and suffering amongst indigenous people, justify their actions to themselves and the world. I found it a fitting documentary, considering our current situation and my belief that we owe the earth an apology. An apology that is validated through a change in behavior.

Bombshell – Hedy Lamar

As beautiful as she was intelligent, this actress of Austrian descent, born in 1914, found herself in movies from an early age. Not at all highbrow stuff and in instances quite risqué for the time. She was instrumental in the design of a secure method of communication, the basics of which were later used in the development of blue-tooth technology and gps functionality. She was however only recognized for her contribution shortly before her death in 2000. A beautiful woman, an interesting tale.

Skid Row Marathon

On his daily run through Skid Row in Los Angeles a judge is joined by people from a local mission and some who have passed through his court. This tale is about their struggle to sort their lives out, the direction and commitment they gain from training and ultimately joining the judge in a marathon abroad. Loved this doccie and its message.

The Triumph – Medjugorje

I am not Catholic and do not subscribe to religious ritual, but I was fascinated by the utter faith with which pilgrims complete their pilgrimage. Medjugorje is a town in what was communist Yugoslavia. I think it now forms part of Croatia; I will have to check. It is also the town where, on 25 June 1981, Mary, the Mother of God appeared to six children and continues to appear to them on this day every year. The focus is on a young American man who was sent to Medjugorje by his parents in the hope that he would sort out his life, and on one of the six children who is escorted up the hill to a cross where Mary appears to her.  Communist rule saw these children persecuted and there is little mention of them. An interesting journey into faith.

Franca: Creation and Chaos

This one was recommended by a friend, and I was a bit sceptical about a fashion bio.  But then I would not be true to myself or my mission if I didn't at least take a peak.  I watched it all in one go! The editor of Italian Vogue until her death from lung cancer in 2016. I took an instant liking to this woman who spends the duration being interviewed by her son. Her pragmatic outlook on life is at once unexpected and refreshing.

Infamous

Another ‘movie’ based on actual events. I have not read any of his books, but it is evident that Truman Capote was more than just the camp persona he displayed. Witty and insightful, this is his journey to both an understanding of the facts and his own vulnerability. This movie was released about a year after Capote starring Philip Seymour-Hoffman, in both movies the catalyst was his research for his novel In Cold Blood.

This is such a long post, so it’s probably a good thing that I didn’t save my list till last. Although somewhat erratic, my selection is not random, I have chosen topics that may interest me, people who may trigger thoughts and at all times kept me interested. Am I going to remember everything? No, but the changes in thinking and the new ideas have settled in.

Trying again to make sense of it all

Today would have been the last day of lockdown.  And I must admit; I am quite relieved that it isn't.  Not for the obvious reasons that there are still too many infections occurring, because people refused to adhere to a simple directive. Not because of the absolute selfishness of those having parties and roaming the streets regardless of some very real threats. And not because I am lucky enough to have stocked up on everything but wine. And not because I am still perfecting the facemask I will be obliged to wear when lockdown ends, and necessity puts me out of my home.

But because the house I live in and struggled to fall in love with when I moved here has become my safe haven, my cocoon from the world. I have a warm bed in which to sleep, a hot shower and a garden to sit in, undisturbed for as long as I like.  I have also discovered the joy of grocery shopping on-line.  The internet has kept me fed, exercised, entertained, and informed.

Because the internet has kept me informed, the desire to return to the world has dwindled to almost nothing, even though I miss seeing my friends and family.

When the gates open and we can roam freely again, the way in which we do things will have changed. Hugging for one thing will be out.  Kissing; definitely a thing of the past. Shaking hands too. I hope my loved ones used some of their lockdown time to learn a few kitchen tricks, we will have to have small get togethers at each other's homes.  Restaurant meals will remain but a pleasant memory, so too a few rounds at the pub.  And naturally mask wearing, and perpetual handwashing will be even more prevalent than they currently are.

That it took such a cataclysmic event for people to change is indicative of just how self-absorbed the human race has become.  By now we have all heard a theory or a belief that this is the earth saying, "Stop! I have had enough! " It is pretty much what I believe. 

This is how we are being forced to take cognizance of those around us. It is an opportunity to start living more consciously.

As much as I embrace change, I wake up during the night with the nagging feeling that this is taking it too far, and I am not ready. With all the chores and lessons I have set myself for the next two weeks I have to find time to get my head around these changes.

But while I get my head around the changes I also need to get my head around how badly mankind has let itself down.  Ignoring the signs. Too quick to label anyone with a warning as a troublemaker.

Of course, it is not all misery and destruction. It is an opportunity, a second chance.  People will be more conscious of their actions as one wrong move could kill them, but as this behaviour becomes second nature so too will the good. 

Today, it feels as if I am rambling. I probably am, but I am trying to undo the knots in the thread of my thoughts. I desperately want to reconcile my thoughts with my feelings. I also want to plan for the future, but I will need to understand what it is first.

Feeding my Face Vs Feeding My Mind

I have been doing my absolute best to stick to my exercise routine during lockdown, doing all kinds of fancy walking, parade marching and scenes from West Side Story up and down my driveway. I was self-conscious at first, it is very much like doing it in public, but then it dawned on me that the moment I came back inside the neighbours I had been entertaining would be out doing their own version of keeping fit.  Any shyness I may have thought I had is now properly something of the past.

I wish I could say I have been equally attentive to my eating habits. Not that I haven’t tried but fry-ups for breakfast have been more frequent and a cookie with 11 o’clock tea has become the norm, as has tv snacks. I used to only eat crisps on a Saturday afternoon with a glass or seven of wine and any form of fried breakfast was reserved for Saturday or Sunday mornings. Not hat I have completely clattered off the wagon and spend the day feeding my face. Thankfully, there are limits as to how much I can have at a time, or else there won’t be any for the rest of lockdown. So, while it seems I have been behaving badly at the buffet I am doing quite well under the circumstances.

Speaking of wine; Drinking by myself is really no fun at all, but things being what they are I have indulged myself a little. I bought six bottles of wine, intending them to last the duration. They have. A few glasses on a Saturday evening and a couple on Sunday afternoon, it’s all good. Extension of lockdown has changed things rather dramatically; I have one bottle of wine left and nearly three weeks to go. If it weren’t for sewing lessons, chores, and mental activities I would join in the clamouring for the bottle stores to re-open.

So instead of crying at my lot I have found something else to do. For the remaining days of lockdown, starting last week sometime, I am watching a biography or documentary every day. Granted, if I wanted to know something, I could always look it up, but viewing it is much more fun. Besides, if you put me in front of a stack of encyclopaedia, are they still around? Or in front of a computer and told me to look up something and take in what I can, I wouldn’t know where to begin. The glut of information we have access to nowadays makes it difficult to home in on something. Picking a movie about someone or a documentary is always easier. There is a little synopsis to see if you might be interested and there is usually a picture of some sort.

I will do a list of all the things I have watched; the information is in my head somewhere, but please, no questions. My selection has been rather eclectic

-          A docu/bio about a singer who was beaten and left paralysed and how he has coped

-          A documentary about taxidermy. Sounds macabre but it is quite enlightening. And it is not gross or upsetting

-          A documentary about a train that Hitler used as his headquarters

-          A movie about the Suffragette movement, focused on a few characters but loaded with stuff I never knew

-          An expose about the horrific pollution of land and water belonging to Red Indian tribes and the lies and scheming of the perpetrators

-          And my favourite: A documentary/biography of Hedy Lamar, and actress in the 1920s and 30s and an unrecognised inventor of a means of communication that was used in the war that could not be hijacked or listened in to. This also contributed greatly to blue tooth development and gps equipment.

So, when I am not entertaining the neighbours or shovelling it into my mouth I am at least giving my brain a bit of a work-out. Now if only I could remember to shave.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel and My New Normal

Its been said that if you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are facing the wrong way.  And that describes exactly how it felt last night when we were informed that lockdown would be extended for another two weeks.

Economy not being a factor, the blow would be equally hard to take.  People, and by that, I mean me, have survived remarkably well over the initial two weeks of the lockdown. I started a day early; Shopping had been done, books had been bought and we weren’t going anywhere, and there is the possibility that I may have been thinking along the lines of sooner started sooner finished. That much acclaimed light seems very bright right now.

Keeping sane has been an easier task than I had anticipated. Sticking to my roster and keeping my mind fed and watered have certainly helped.  But there is that itch we all have, the one that can only be scratched by human interaction.  Not in the biblical sense, but rather in seeing a different face, be it of a loved one or the cashier at the garage.  Being denied the freedom to seek out these faces is where the strain on my sanity is coming from.  Popping to the shops for tonight’s dinner and waving at the woman in the dairy, chatting to Barbra as she rings up my purchase; these are my anchors, these are my normal.

I haven’t been out shopping for anything, so going around behind a facemask is completely foreign to me.  I am sure the day will come when I need to go out again, when I must face society’s new normal.  With time it will also become mine. But I wonder, how is Barbra going to see me smile?  More to the point, how will anyone know that I am sticking my tongue out at them.  Small things I know, but important in keeping things on an even keel.

Most people have done their part and remained home.  In more than a few instances it was probably a difficult adjustment.  But then it became habit.  We rediscovered our families, partners, significant others.  Working from home has actually proven to be successful. Something many traffic stressed individuals would love to continue. 

It is interesting to note though, that people can work from home a lot more than expected.  There are water tanks and means to fill them for those in areas that up to now had to make to with virtually nothing.  There is money to help the hungry.  Why has it taken a crisis of these proportions to get things done? Why do we always wait for the horse to bolt before we close the barn door?

Maybe when we emerge, and this is something we can all work towards in the time we have, cognisance of others, awareness of circumstances and concertedly working to change the course of lives. If nothing else, this virus has been the great equalizer.  I have read that patterns of infection and death are slowly starting to emerge.  But this is all after the fact.  I don’t think there is any segment of any community that has not been affected.

This is not about politics; this is about setting politics aside for the greater good.  Let the new normal be the foundation of a strong nation, of people finally understanding that we are all equal.  I did promise that I would not turn my blog into a forum for political ranting and I intend to keep it so.  But as we face a decidedly uncertain future there is no way in which we can ignore the past.  

Before, During and After.

I am getting a definite sense of before and after as I read the news and the accounts of those who have shared their experiences.  I think that feeling the distinction so solidly is what will propel us forward towards creating a new normal.  I think that simply picking up where we left off, as if the world had been on a three-week holiday, leaves the door open for this kind of crisis to happen again.

Greed and that need to constantly go one step further is without thought to consequence or larger cost is what has brought us to this point.  Disease origins notwithstanding, avarice and pecuniary drive have led us to the point where we can not make do with any less. And as the carpet gets pulled from beneath us the damage done is not only measured in human casualty.

In my before, and as recent as two months ago, I was struggling with the need to earn a living and the need for something that fulfilled me. I had achieved moderate success in what I had chosen, but had reached that point between, grow, stagnate or stop.  I chose to stop.  I had ideas what I would do next, I had visions of the empire I was going to build.

I tried a few things that didn’t bear fruit, each time costing me money and time.  With each failure I felt a little less worthy.  With each attempt the desire to make it work was less than the time before. I was slowly sinking away into my own head and what I thought gave me value in the eyes of others.

I have often said that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and I imagine that as I grew older it was replaced with me wanting to know what my purpose in life is, what’s it all for.  And in darker moments, what’s the point?

I have reached low points in who I am and how I feel.  My usually sunny outlook all but gone.  But earlier in the year the thought of just going to bed and not waking up at all became increasingly appealing.  So much so, that I went to bed earlier just so I didn’t miss it. When things didn’t work before, I had the intuition to stop doing them and walk away, I had reached a point where I felt the same about my life.

I know I am loved.  I am cared for beyond what I could ever expect.  I imagine that trying to find one’s purpose lies within yourself and in expecting it to present itself on demand is expecting too much.

One day after wrestling with myself for what felt like an eternity, I told a friend what I was going through.  It just came out in the middle of conversation, just like that.  As soon as the words left my mouth, I was overcome with guilt. Guilt at dumping on them and guilt for feeling the way I did.  I suspect that the guilt I felt all was what kept me from exploring my feelings all along.  Gratefully, my friend understood what I needed just then and just let me speak. I didn’t want them to do anything. My burden suddenly felt too heavy and slipped. 

Often, we don’t want advice. And people who care for you are well meaning and happy to give it out. We just want someone to listen.  Sadly, conversations don’t work that way.

So, there is a before and an after, and right now we are living through our during.  Whatever the situation, however severe the crisis we are experiencing it is often in the during that the mind is clearest.

Within a week we will be at the end of our lockdown period. Whether a cure or vaccine will be found remains to be seen, what will happen when the world rushes out of their front gates on that morning remains to be seen. 

During this time, I have learned to sew a little, I have tried to keep up with exercise and I have given focus to myself.  I have a new appreciation for my life, and I understand that my purpose in life is to live.  To live unapologetically, and without expectation.  I can take up the work I did before, on my terms, or I can start something new.  Whatever it is wherever I do it, I need to focus on me.

Talking gives perspective and makes things easier to understand. And this is why I have started this blog.  It is my way of talking and my way towards understanding.

Eclectic Music Taste and My Evolution

The rain isn't doing much for the mood, but it might be what we need to encourage people to stay home. Besides, that is what Saturdays and Sundays are for; staying home and doing relaxing things like watching tv and having friends around.  The shopping was done over a week ago, but dinner is for residents only. 

I don't see them every day but I miss seeing my friends at all. I think it is because my freedom to do so is gone. Maybe a Skype dinner party is worth thinking about.

When the tv is not on, for news in the morning and general viewing at night,  I generally have one device or another playing music. Sometime on headphones just for me, sometimes on speakers for me and the neighbors.

So, in keeping with my Saturday vibe here are some tunes. I have deplorable taste in movies and I accept, even cherish this, but I think I have an eclectic taste in music which is a nod to open mindedness and the ability to evolve and be inclusive.

When this song made it's first appearance I was probably a year or so out of school and working in Johannesburg and living with some friends in Hillbrow while we completed a project.  South Africa was on the cusp of democracy, apartheid was dead, there was a sense of newness and wellbeing for the country and for me. I think I was under the impression that my life had finally started.

It hadn't, but I was having fun and experiencing freedom without having to answer to anyone.  For the first time my no meant no and my yes meant wholeheartedly.  Hillbrow in those days was also reaching the end of it's heyday.  The liberal, cosmopolitan 1970's were a thing of the past.  I expect that the area garnered it's bad reputation because it was one of the few places where, even in those times, few questioned your race orientation or reason.  It was where liberal meant freedom, not irresponsibility.  Robin S was a huge hit in the clubs we visited after work.  All decked out in green parachute fabric tracksuits, courtesy of our employer.

That no-one questioned what I was doing quickly had me pressing the issue of my identity. Suffice it to say that the messier my hair, the better, shirts I hand-stitched from household items, dish towels, short-pants and knee high Doc Martens before anyone else in town was doing it. Embellished, and I use this term loosely, t-shirts and vintage paraphernalia from shops in alleyways were the order of the day.

I don't like to think of it as a phase. In fact I don't like to think of any part of my journey as a phase.  All it serves is to discredit what ultimately lead you to where you are today. My bohemian period lasted a bit longer than many. I managed to become part of the regular world again and do what was expected, although my heart is still very bohemian. In all the good ways;  I don't eat meat and I bath regularly.

Before I latched on to the Byrds, and Marianne Faithfull, Janis and co, I had an Edie Brickell moment.  I didn't like Edie and co at first, there was something I couldn't relate to. It may have been a maturity I didn't possess.  It made the music difficult to relate to.

I think starting out, fresh from school my world was rather small.  I hadn't been anywhere, a few seaside holidays before the age of six don't count. I certainly wasn't well read and only had the vocabulary, the education and the outlook provided by the government of the day.  I would often find myself in conversations, not saying anything, just marveling at how mature my peers seemed and furiously taking mental notes to go and find out what some of the words they were using meant.  I wasn't really a quiet person I was just very busy playing catch-up.

It is one of the great pleasures in life to be able to expand one's vocabulary and also be afforded opportunity to make use of words you had looked up ages ago and just never found an opening for.  Kind of like a one-liner just begging to be thrown, timing be damned.

Sinead O'Connor over the last 20 to 30 years has been a study in self-discovery and metamorphosis.  She has lived her journey, difficult as it sometimes was to hilt.  From wild Irish angel with a very angry outlook, through rastafarianism, self implosion, isolation, and now finally she seems happy and at peace. The devout and the hardliners mat not approve; her peace has been found in Islam.

Many artists, regardless of chosen medium, are affected by their experiences.  In the next months and years as the world starts to recover from the predicament we find ourselves in there will be a preponderance of work depicting the situation and surviving it, the situation and not surviving it, our uncertain future. I hope with all my heart that we will be around to see it. 

And just as art will evolve, so undoubtedly will we.  Hopefully to being more open, understanding and loving. Open to that and those to whom we never spared a thought.  Understanding of each other and more importantly of ourselves. And loving, because without love there is no point.

Trolling social media in a home made mask

I think the deluge of bad news, death and sickness finally got me down.  And we closed our gate on Wednesday afternoon last week so it's been a while. Yesterday morning I woke up without my usual bounce and Stepford “Good Morning!”  I actually think it may have been the longest I have stayed in my bed in a lot of years. I gave myself a break from the news and just had a Me day.  Reading, watching b-grade schlock on tv and cooking.  And the rain gave me the perfect excuse to be as sedentary as I liked.

I had a great night’s sleep and would happily face the world.  But, at the moment the world consists of my house, a drenched garden and a driveway.  More than many have I’m sure, but I so want to be able to go for a walk or to the shops; freely.  And so, I begin my search for hope.

Paying attention to the news and doing my own reading I have come across a possible way to stem the tide. It is being tested abroad and appears promising.  I have however not read anything to this effect in the local news and neither have I seen anything on our government’s social media pages.

I have started a one-man campaign, some might call it trolling, of getting answers to the questions I have and of changing the mindset of people who are lost and confused. 

Every day I am posting the same, “Has SA explored convalescent plasma therapy? And where do we stand?  As a means of shedding hope and encouraging staying at home please share recovery stats. Please don’t ignore me”

Convalescent plasma therapy is the practice of extracting antibodies from the blood of an individual who has overcome the infection and infusing this plasma into a severely ill person to help bolster their recovery.  Trials in the US are in early stages but the 5 people on which it was tried have recovered.

Granted the world is floundering in unchartered territory, and everyone is learning.  Learn from others and build on their example. I have been impressed with how South Africa has handled the situation thus far (yesterday’s news not withstanding). But I am equally frustrated by the slacking of regulations, and the ability of certain factions to hold government hostage.

I am also frustrated at what I feel is a one-pronged approach.  Testing and the rate at which it needs to be done is necessary to break the chain of infection, I do however feel that no attention is being given to finding a cure or vaccine. It is almost as if we were told to wash our hands and stay indoors while it blows over. I am sure I have missed something; I truly hope I have, and if anyone can point me in the right direction, I would appreciate it. It would go a long way to seeing some light at the end of a dark, dark tunnel.

But for all my ruminating and feeling miserable, I had a nice chat to my mom yesterday and she is in good spirits. Bored silly, but well. I have also never shared or received so many jokes in such a short period of time, and all on a single topic.

We have stocked the fridge and grocery cupboards quite handsomely and should survive for a short while past 21 days, but we are already starting to run out of fresh things.  Soon we will be craving salad.

Today was flashback Friday on the exercise front. I moved the carpet aside and found an exercise video on YouTube.  Remember the 5 minute insert they used to have every morning before the news.  Body Beat it was called, and the video I found was similar except for the absence of legwarmers and better music. It was so much fun I did it twice.

But, it’s back to current reality and a catch-up on the chores I didn’t do on my day off.  We have decided that in keeping with the trend my sewing lessons will not be on how to make a pillowcase but rather on making a few masks which, although not medical quality will be ours and they can be washed after every wear.

Stay safe, stay sane, stay informed.

Brutal Honesty, Ego's and a Common Goal

I had a routine of watching the news every morning, starting at on channel and giving each one it’s due and then moving on to the next. It is a question of timing that that started me doing it in this way, then it became about seeing who had a story that another one didn’t. Then it became about how the same story was interpreted.  I am by no means a guru on what’s going on and I am inclined to pursue the stories which are of interest to me. But, staying informed is important on so many levels.

I have noticed that in South Africa, especially with television news the story remains the same and if there are any nuances trying to sway me in any direction I just haven’t picked up on them. I am very much aware of print news and the different slants each publication takes.  But a newspaper seldom gets bought.

Since the Coronavirus outbreak my news watching habits have changed somewhat and I have to confess that I am now fishing for the stories I want to hear. Where I had a morning news session and one at lunch time, I now wait for the day to fully arrive and then I watch the news. I started doing this because the footage I was seeing was just too heartbreaking, and the dire situation was fast becoming all consuming. It’s just that there are other things happening in the world while we are looking away. I have previously mentioned looking for other news and how difficult it is.

If there is a breakthrough or an update I receive a notification on my phone, so I never miss the crucial moments as our new history plays itself out.

I think that despite the hardships our country experiences as a matter of course, the obstacles created by legacy, near and distant, the self-made hurdles of corruption and the general decay of systems and standards, our leaders are performing and delivering incredibly well.

Granted, we are still at the beginning of the pandemic in our country and the chickens of greed and mismanagement are coming home to roost.  Swift and targeted action has kept us on good footing.   We have not been lied to about the severity of the situation.  Brutal honesty is key in getting us through this nightmare.  Politicising the situation or going the race route have not become the order of the day, which is heartening in the face of a non-discriminatory killer.

Following British and American news and how they are dealing with the situation is informative and times frustrating. It helps to compare where we are regarding treatments, cures and controls. It seems that there were delays, and grandstanding from a president who is all about the president.  Politics and grandstanding have no place in an arena where all lives are at stake. I think he finally realises this. 

But,

This morning, after he has been called out by all and sundry for the ineffective initial response to a world crisis, the President of the USA has chosen to shift focus and is talking about a possible military threat from an enemy. Is this true? Is it more obfuscation from a scolded child?  Can they afford to ignore it.

Yes, there is a worldwide shortage of masks, there are nowhere near enough ventilators or properly equipped hospitals but there are ways to overcome these obstacles.  When this is over we can address the reasons behind things that went wrong and set the country on a path that is trod with integrity. But, for now, if the warring parties in South Africa can put their differences and egos aside and continue to attack the problem with the efforts that they have, we are in with a chance.

My post today is all very serious, but it is what is in my head. And to be perfectly honest I am not in the highest of spirits.  I can see that what our government is doing is working, they are proactive and decisive. But, I wonder if 21 days is enough?

Today I am doing all I can to keep positive and to keep the faith. I am by no means disheartend, just taking a bit of strain.

Surviving and Dressing Up...or Not

 I am a survivor. A survivor in the sense that when the opportunity to flourish disappears I can still maintain where I am at. A survivor because I will jump into the sewer if I need to or into the crocodiles mouth if it means getting my watch back...

I don't do well in the boring, the mundane and humdrum may well be humbug.
So when things fall down as they so recently have, I do freak out, I cry, I express my fear and then I look within to find a way to get through it. Granted, hustling for dinner or odd jobbing for accommodation are a far cry from where we find ourselves. I know that if we can survive this, we can survive the hard slog to normality. I am game. I am heartened everyday by the journey and faith of others.

In my first post I mentioned how glad I was for technology. It has kept me in the loop and in touch, it has also kept me inspired. And anyone with access to the internet or a cell phone will be able to attest to that. People with clever ideas to keep fit, entertain children, people with incredible imaginations entertaining themselves and the sharing to entertain the rest of the world. Lets face it, there are some very funny people out there.

Yesterday was laundry day, which in itself is no fun, and that it was written on my whiteboard for all the world to see, ensured that skipping it was out. Naturally, by writing out a roster I had pledged to do a task daily, just so I didn’t become complacent.  So, I did it.  We haven’t been anywhere so there were no work clothes and I didn't have to work very hard. If it were warmer, we could go naked and next week have zero laundry.

I also decided on something that I can learn and use in the future. I am learning to sew. Yesterday was all theory; unfortunately, my hands-on teacher still has to work, but I watched a few tutorials and I can now, theoretically, thread a sewing machine.

Only one snag! There isn’t much fabric lying about. An old tablecloth, some leftovers from recovering dining room chairs and some old jeans. Enough for practice, possibly enough to make an outfit to wear as we leave our homes for the first time on 17 April. A vision in gingham and felt.

Today I have to mow the lawn, I can't believe the speed at which it grows.  But first I will feed the birds. They come back every morning and if I sit still long enough I am sure to see some familiar faces.

We face a long and frightening road. This virus has brought all our shortcomings as a nation to the fore and it will take many a miracle to set things right. It can happen, but we need to be willing to do what it takes and set our own selfish needs aside.

Stay safe
Stay sane

While We Were Otherwise Occupied

Staring into space out of my bedroom window this morning it occurred to me how many flocks of birds I had seen lately.  And as I went outside for my morning lungful, I realized that the only sound I could hear were birds. More than I ever hear when I go outside this early. There is absolutely no traffic noise and none of the usual sirens, but I like to think that the birdsong I am hearing is because there are more of them around. Suburbs and gardens are less frightening for now.

I also went outside last night and stood in the garden. It wasn’t late at all, barely seven o’ clock but the silence was deafening. The sky is also so much clearer, and I have heard speak of blue skies peeping through in places where smoggy grey is the standard. For all the misery and tough times Venice has faced recently the canals are staring to run clean, and from the end of my driveway the Joburg skyline is as clear and definite as it was thirty years ago.

My mind has been thoroughly occupied by this virus. I haven’t been paying attention to much else besides lockdown, handwashing, symptoms and the toll the we are paying the world over, spending much of my time checking everyone is ok, safe and in good spirits. So pre-occupied I nearly forgot that in spite of this the world turns, people in high places are making decisions and processes continue unabated.

While we were looking away.

·         Vladimir Putin passed a law which allows him to be elected as president once again, and again. (Shades of Mugabe)

·         Vera Lynn turned 103. She was one of the best-known wartime entertainers and supporters of troops during the war years.

·         Stem cell research has allowed for a second person to be cured of HIV; my medical knowledge is lacking but this is the gist of it.

·         South Africa finally landed a ‘Junk’ status, kicking our economy while it is down.

Trying to find news that is of importance has proven difficult because of the prevalence and the focus on Coronavirus/Covid-19 articles.  But the world hasn’t stopped, and we all have things that are important to us, whatever arena they play out in.

If you have been checking the news occasionally you will probably have seen how the human spirit is persevering, with concerts on balconies, singing policeman on patrol, food packages for the elderly, endless silly boredom avoidance videos. News that, although linked to the virus, gives us hope.

It is a beautiful day today; I am going to feed the birds in my garden.  The food is going quicker than normal. Are there more birds, are they also stress eating or am I projecting and being too generous with my portions?

All kitchen cupboards will be unpacked and rearranged before the day is out. Also, I am having my first glass of wine since I shut my gate on Wednesday afternoon.

Stay strong.  Keep the faith.

Garden Walks and Waistlines

Having checked in with my nearest and dearest and finding them well and safe I managed to have a rather good nights sleep. Of course there is worry which will linger for the duration but as we move through these weeks it will become easier to manage.

So it was with a sense of renewed hope and energy that I embarked on a bit of a walk. It seems that the driveway I have been talking about is slightly longer than I thought. Added to that a circuit of my garden and I only need 14 laps to complete a kilometer. I have managed to notch up 2 km this morning, despite the lack of scenery and the sense that I wasn’t going far.  My neighbor promised not to judge.

The dogs think it is great fun for the first few laps and manage to burn off a bit of energy charging around, trying to get nowhere first. But distractions abound and they end up sniffing at invisible blobs and chasing birds. I have also started giving them less food and only one biscuit a day. The last thing we need is to come out on the other side only to be restricted by diet. That applies to us humans too. I don’t know how much weight one can gain in three weeks; imagine not being able to fit into anything!  Talk about salt in the wound. Or is that salt and vinegar?

We limited the 'cheat foods' that we bought for the duration of the lockdown. Some through choice, others through forgetfulness.  We chose to only buy one slab of chocolate for each week, we did however forget to get any crisps or Easter eggs. I know its a good thing and I will thank myself later. But we did make sure we have an abundance of flour and sugar and a brand new bottle of gas for the oven I love so much.  May sense prevail.

Since it is a weekend we haven't allocated tasks but will probably find something to do so the day isn't wasted. I think staking out a vegetable patch might be just the ticket. But first a few more walks around the garden.

What Can I Be When I Am Big?

I am usually good when it comes to things I have committed to. It takes toothache and someone else cancelling to keep me from doing my bit once I have pledged.  This leads me to believe that maybe I have bitten off too much, or have I just jumped in without much thought to what is required.

Because walking and jogging has been mooted and my driveway requires twenty lengths to make up a single kilometer, I have sworn allegiance to the stern woman who drives my exercise app.  Second day in and I have pulled a neck muscle doing what I like to call ear-ups; pulling oneself up by the ears into a sitting position as there are no core muscles to speak of. So now I have a sore neck and no inclination to exercise, but the desire to emerge from this lockdown looking good still exists.  Some rest and a different approach might help.

My second issue is not as easily solved.  The situation requires that we manage our money and save what we can for the uncertain future.  The situation also requires that I use the time I have productively.  I loudly announced that I might try an online course.  There are loads of free short courses I can take, I am not concerned about accreditation, I just want to learn something.  But what?

I still don’t know what I want to be when I am big, and I have been many things. From a waiter and manager to salesperson in an adult store and the person the bank calls for assistance. I have baked cakes, sold porn and given advice on accounts and television sets. I have made food and sold it on the side of the road, and I have written copy for websites.  Granted I did some for longer than others, but they all came to an end.  Either because nothing was required of me or because too much was required, more than I was willing to commit to at any rate.

Of course, one would think that financial reward would be a large motivator in all this. Alas, for me it is not. When I made the most money I was also at my unhappiest and vice versa. Except for selling smut, there was no money or joy.  A few interesting conversations, but no joy.

The common thread here seems to be that I have focused on people and their satisfaction in all my jobs.  So maybe I can take direction from this and find a course that will help me to deliver to others as well as myself. Mindful living, purposeful action, and the like are concepts I am becoming more and more acquainted with, and I like them.  If you have any suggestions for an online course that I might be interested in, please leave me a comment.  But only if you are not sensitive or precious about the subject.

Thoughts, Ideas and Wishes

Today is the day.  I won’t be surprised if nobody stops by to read my diary or leave a message. This is a short entry. 

So many of us have opinions and concerns about how the situation is being handled, and our concerns which go beyond the crisis we need to keep safety of ourselves and of others at the forefront of our minds.  You can rebuild a business, however difficult, you cannot however resurrect the dead.

Falling into routines as we are isolated is human and it brings a semblance of normalcy. Human beings are adaptable, and we will get through this.

Remember:

·         Talk about what you are feeling, it helps you and others understand your behavior

·         Check in with those you love as often as you can

·         Set yourself a task or a target every day. It passes time and gives you focus.  Today I am washing all the dog beds and blankets and disinfecting the floor in the lounge and passage.

·         Jumping jacks get the blood flowing and burn calories

·         Keep doing the nice things for yourself. Brush your hair and even a dab of lipstick

·         Keep weekdays as weekdays and weekends as weekends.

·         It might be the end of the world as you know it, but it is not the end of the world

·         Tell your loved ones you love them

·         With so much less to do we could start our new normal with an obesity situation or we could pull a Bette Midler in Ruthless People and grow some abs and a tight butt. (In fact, you should put it on your to do list)

·         Lastly, as you go into this, your prayers are needed, regardless of who you pray to.

Going into this lockdown is what makes this invisible threat so much more real for us.

To my family and friends. I love you. I never say it, but I do, and I would be lost without you, so no brave ideas or unthought out missions.

To those that had to postpone trips, something to look forward to,

To those who can’t be with loved ones, gratitude for technology

To those who are just plain scared, find courage in routine

If you are alone, join a chat group

Find humor where you can, as a nation we are so good at it. It keeps us grounded.

I know that as we settle in my posts will become lighter. This is what is in my mind and heart at the moment and this is my diary.

Take care

Prepping, Remaining Calm and Aiming Upward

I can with a much happier heart close the front gate of my house and stay indoors for a few weeks. I have ensured that my mom has everything she needs, from medication to a reasonably full fridge and grocery cupboard.  I have stocked up on I what normally would, given that it is end of the month and everything is pretty much finished anyway.

I am having mixed feelings about the ease with which I managed to pack a trolley full of essentials, pay for them and get back home in a little more than an hour. I am so glad I didn't have to stand in eternal queues to get in to the shop and then to be rung up. The quicker the better is always key when shopping, but I had honestly thought there would have been quite a few more people about, all wanting to do what I was doing. Happily, the shelves were all stocked as usual except for anything that resembles a disinfectant. Bars of soap and soap powder aplenty, no liquid soap, no disinfectants or sanitisers, but if I am in my own home for 3 weeks I don't see the need for a pocket size of any of these and I do still have various soaps on hand.

Why are people not shopping? Is it because they already have?  Have they decided to wait until the last minute like they do at Christmas? Or do they simply not care; About their own health or anyone elses and will shop willy-nilly since the grocery stores are to remain open.

This is not about stockpiling, it is about being prepared.  It is about knowing that at the very least, you need food.  Take-away culture will be hard to maintain during this time, as will your daily pop to the shop.  Even if you could, why would you.

I like to think that I have done all I can to keep myself and all my loved ones safe.  I am still going to the bookshop as a last errand, as sanity is also important.

My trip to the bookshop aside, I have turned my whiteboard into a timetable for the period of isolation. I have given myself something to do for every single day bar weekends,  these I have highlighted because then I will really do nothing except relax and have a few glasses of wine.

My daily exercise walks have had to come to halt.  Which is such a pity, because I am 8 kilograms lighter than I was six weeks ago. I  have now substituted my walks for an app with the voice of a stern woman issuing instructions and little videos of how to a specific excercise.

Abs in 30 days it is called. Ha-ha, I don't see that happening but I am finally getting it right to plank for more than 5 seconds, and the correct way too. So here's hoping.

My roster includes things I would normally do anyway, such as laundry on a Monday and Dallas on a Tuesday, but if I don't put them in there I may slip into holiday mode and end up living in a pigsty.

Other than the mundane, I have allocated time for the things I never have time to do, like create a vegetable patch.  And when the all the physical and mundane start to wear on me I might just do an online course.

When all this is over, I want to carry on from here. Day 1 of freedom is not going to be my new beginning.  Day 1 of lockdown is where my new life starts.  I am not going to come out on the other side still the same or worse off.

This is an unfortunate event, but it is not a curse and it is not a holiday, it is an opportunity.